I’m sure you’ve read all about the Gary Sheffield trade, and if you’re anything like the Yankees Chick you agree that it is a great move for the Yankees. Surprisingly, Sheff hasn’t gone on a public tirade about the trade, but I was lucky enough to accidentally hack into his email account and stumble upon this sweet email Sheff wrote to his mama describing his reaction to the trade.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

To: kiss_the_sheff’s_mama@aol.com
From: xxsheffield_is_godxx@balco.com
Subject: what a day!

Hi Mom,

Sorry I didn’t make it to your house the other day – how’s that broken hip feeling? Did you ever make it to the hospital? I totally would have taken you, but while I was on the way to your house to pick you up my cell rang and damned if it wasn’t that bastard Cashman, telling me that I, the best slugger the Yankees have ever had on their team in the history of the universe AND the undeniable true captain of the team, had been TRADED to Detriot!! I was pretty upset and chucked my phone out the window of my Escalade, and by the time I had pulled over and raked through 3 feet of raw sewage to find it (I paid $1.99 for a custom “who let the sheff out?” ringtone and I was not about to lose it) I had completely forgotten about you.

Once I had confirmed that the ringtone still worked (it did, thank god!!), I got back into my car and drove straight over to Rufus Williams’ house to give him hell for not putting a no-trade clause in my contract. After beating him nearly senseless for close to an hour I realized that he was trying to tell me something, so I eased up just enough to hear him gasp “you…created…the… contract…yourself… with… steinbrenner …you… wouldn’t… allow… me…to …help…”. Apparently, when Big Stein and I sat down to hammer out the contract back in 2003 I insisted on doing it without the help of my agent! Oops!!!! I felt kind of guilty about the beating so I offered to take Rufus out to dinner, but he wasn’t really conscious at that point so I left him to rest.

Obviously, I was pretty upset. I mean, the Yankees wouldn’t have even made it to the post-season without me and they just disposed of me like I disposed of my Marlins gear a few years back. Once I left Rufus’ house I headed home and signed online right away to check out my fans’ reactions to the trade, knowing that the legion of Gary Sheffield Disciples would surely have some inspiring words for me. But before I even had a chance to do my nightly “I love Gary Sheffield” google search, I caught a glimpse of a headline on MLB.com describing the trade and started laughing so hard that the chocolate milk (low-fat, Mom, don’t worry!) I was drinking spewed out of my nose and almost ruined my cell phone (don’t worry, I checked it and the ringtone still works! Whew!). Apparently, the Yankees traded ME, Gary Sheffield, for 3 young pitchers! Boy, are they going to regret that!! They traded ME, a SLUGGER who hits close to .290 sometimes and can wiggle my bat like nobody’s business and all they got were 3 KIDS. Just you wait, Mom. Mr. Cashman will be knocking at my door in April just begging me to come back.

Gary always gets the last laugh!!!

Love,
Gary

P.S. Just got a call from your landlord telling me you are still waiting for me in front of your house – I guess you never made it to the hospital! I’m on my way now, seriously.