I've been rockin' this bloggity for over two years now (hells yeah my life is that pathetic and I have no other hobbies! Now you know the truth), and in both 2005 and 2006 I provided a showcase of the absolute worst Yankees-related gifts a person could give (or receive, which is far worse really) for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Pagan Sacrifice/Celebration of the glory of Bad Religion. This year, due to the Yankees Chick personal-life crap (yeah I know you don't care, jackass) I was dealing with a few weeks ago and then the brief but panic-inducing deletion of my blog last week (I know it was you Schilling!) the annual crappy gear post is a tad too late to help you with your gift giving, but it can surely help you when you're ready to return the shit your grandmother gives you or after you receive a present from someone you weren't expecting to exchange gifts with and then have to pretend you left their present at home, jump on the computer immediately and order them something to be delivered overnight. For some added "fun" (or annoyance), I've added a video so that you can see and hear my disgust with this year's picks as you gaze upon the pictures! Or... just scroll on down past the video and get straight to the goods.

1) Bobblehead Blouse. There is a plethora of this type of shirt available out there for purchase/burning, but this is the first time I've seen one that did not feature team logos or baseballs and bats. Nay, this fine blouse depicts bobbleheads of all your favorite players. This shirt is for people that want to wear pictures of players, but prefer looking at cartoon versions of people to representations that actually look remotely like humans. Don't get me wrong, I like bobbleheads; the cheery bouncy-ness of the oversized heads brings cheer to anyone's life. The problem with pictures of bobbleheads is that the best feature of the toy is lost in the 2-D format: the bobbling!



2) Splatter Jacket With Yankees Logo. This jacket is precisely what the title indicates: a jacket that is splattered (with what, I don't know) and features a Yankees logo (a logo which, incidentally, appears to have been stretched vertically and henceforth looks like the poor Malaysian children that made this monstrosity ran into trouble with their sewing machines but had no time to fix it because they had to meet their quota lest they be denied their daily ration of stale bread and parasite-infested water). The splattering in the picture provided by Amazon is unfortunately not as detailed as one might hope for maximum awesomeness, but we can certainly get the idea and imagine the bemused expressions on peoples' faces as they gaze upon a person donning this fine piece of work.


3) Rain Poncho. Anyone that has sat through a rain delay can appreciate the idea of a piece of apparel that will keep you dry and let you muscle out the delay so you don't have to head home or, worse yet, stand around in the concourse with 40,000 loud drunken fans (situations like that are the reason I NEVER leave home without a book in my purse). Poor weather or not, though, I simply cannot envision any person possessing marginal pride and/or dignity putting this sucker on in the presence of other humans. For starters, it appears that the bottom of the poncho was cut by a drunk one-handed man or woman with electric scissors that misfired, resulting in a jagged, un-hemmed edge. Additionally, that sweet V-shaped red border dividing the white top with the blue lower half appears to be directly folks' eyesight towards the wearer's belly button, which is always sexy. Finally, let's take a gander at the "arms" of this poncho. This thing is clearly intended to be worn only by people with stumps for arms, which really isolates a grand portion of the potential market, myself included.


4) Another Tie-Dyed Shirt: I featured a tie-dyed shirt in my 2005 gift guide, and I tried, I really did, to resist including another one this year, but I just could not ignore this specimen. What sets this particular tie-dyed wonder apart from it's cousins is the awesome and unique centralized tie-dyed magic and faded "pinstripes". The designers of this shirt knew that their product was going to be compared to the legions of similar shirts and pulled out all the stops to ensure that theirs stood out from the pack. They determined that a limited amount of tie-dying serving as a backdrop to what appears to be some pinstripes that have taken a few too many painkillers and can't stand up straight any longer was the best way to go about this, and to that I say "good work, men, good work".


5) Girly Heart Shirt: In the case of clothing like this, the fact that the word "shirt" is just one letter away from "shit" is very appropriate. As a chick, I find myself insulted every time I see a shirt like this (I also feel this way when I go to a concert and every shirt they have for girls is glittery or pink. I'm sorry, but no punk rock chick wants to wear a goddamn glittery Black Flag shirt). Why oh why can't manufacturers simply make the exact same shirts they make for men in sizes for women? Is there some sort of law I am not aware of that decrees that all clothing smaller than the size of an average man must contain either pink, glitter, or hearts? While I am indeed sickened by the designers of these abominations, it is the women that purchase them that should shoulder the burden of blame, for they are the ones keeping this crappy-chick-shirt business afloat. Shame on you.



6) "Hand Crocheted Ivory Gimp Large Snood Trimmed with Fire Polished Golden Beads for Women Offered in Combination with Sterling Silver Long Chain Necklace with New York Yankee Pendant". First... let me clarify that what I just typed there IS INDEED the actual name of this product (and I'm calling it "product" because I honestly am at a loss for what to call this. When I saved the picture to my computer, I named it "hat_and_pendant_thingy"). This thingy begs so many questions. Why is it gimpy - the poor thing was born with leg problems? Why is it associated with Snood, one of my favorite computer games? Why did they need to polish the beads with FIRE? That sounds so very dangerous for so little gain. Why is this demure (if hideous) hairnet paired with a bling-a-licious pendant borrowed from Jay-Z? And finally... why or HOW is it SOLD OUT on Amazon?!





7) Velvet Crested Yanks Blazer. This snappy coat has a few things going for it, not least of all the fact that it reminds me of several fine Seinfeld episodes (Jerry buying the Joseph Aboud crested blazer [with hand ticking around the crest!] from Craig and then trying to return it for spite; Jerry attempting to join the Friars Club, borrowing a crested blazer and having it "stolen" by The Flying Sandos Brothers; George's desire to drape himself in velvet if only it were socially acceptable...). It looks like a potentially flattering jacket and the navy hue is a welcome change from the usual black, but that's where the compliments end. I find velvet to be a very poor fabric choice for anything, be it a couch or a piece of clothing - I don't like the way light reflects strangely off of it, and running your hand against the grain of the fabric feels completely different from the way it feels when you touch it normally, with is not a good quality. The crest also looks very cheaply made, like the factory doubled as a manufacturer of car decals and they had a bunch left over and decided to slap them on their surplus velvet blazers.


Well, my lovelies, that does it for this rendition of the annual Bad Yanks Gift Guide. There seems to be no end to the bastardization of the good name of the Yanks, so I'm sure there will be plenty of material for yet another episode in 2008. FEAR NOT!