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Happy Non-Denominational Winter Holiday!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
2005 Guide
2007 Guide

xmas tree fireThis is what happens when you ignore the Yankees Chick's gift advice.


‘Tis the season to be jolly, and nothing makes a person jollier than a thoughtful (and preferably expensive) holiday gift. Unfortunately, searching for the perfect gifts to bestow upon your loved ones can be a dicey endeavor, what with the crowded parking lots, long lines, sold-out merchandise and Salvation Army bell-ringing swindlers impeding your shopping voyage at every turn. Luckily for you, The Yankees Chick is a very caring individual, and she has made it her personal mission to help holiday shoppers by seeking out some of the most unfortunate Yankees gifts available this holiday season so that you won’t make the mistake of purchasing them. A similar guide was compiled for 2005 shoppers, but Taiwan’s sweatshop laborers have clearly been working overtime to provide the world with an even greater crop of Yankees-related commodities for 2006.

bucket
Exhibit A: The All-Purpose Pail.
The very fact that this exists gives me no choice but to believe that somewhere, someone spent the whole year knowing that his life would be complete if he could just spend $30.99 on a $4.99 Home Depot bucket. Perhaps next year he will be able to purchase a dirty fork for the low low price of $109.99.


undies
Exhibit B: The Camo Thong.
I’m actually not even sure if this product is intended for use by females or males, but I may have to purchase it. I can’t even tell you how many times I have found myself stranded in a brown and green jungle with NY logos abound, wearing nothing but panties, and wishing I could blend in better.


cardigan
Exhibit C: The Mr. Rogers Cardigan.
Nothing says “I love you, Dad” like a sweater Mr. Rogers found to be too nerdy and tossed out of his slow-moving Buick in 1986.





ugly hat
Exhibit D: The Louis-Vuitton Hat.
I don’t own any Louis-Vuitton goodies, but if I recall correctly from my rummage through the “authentic” purses in the back room of a souvenir shop in Chinatown, their logo is pretty much identical to pattern on this cap.



yankees sauce

Exhibit E: Yankees Hot Sauce.
I believe this was created for a person too morbidly obese to fit into any Yankees apparel and too hungry to be satisfied by any non-food gifts.





shiny jacket
Exhibit F: The Shiny Jacket.
100% of these jackets are purchased by girlfriends of male Yankees fans in attempts to prove that they are “totally into baseball". It serves a dual purpose by acting as a reflective guide for rescue choppers when the boyfriend inevitably gets sick of the “Jeter is sooooo cute!” comments and kicks her out of the car in the middle of a deserted highway.





I certainly hope this list has been an eye-opener. There are doubtless even more frightening Yankees gifts in addition to these that one could stumble upon, and I caution you to be on the lookout for traps during your shopping trip. I must go bundle up in my Yankees cardigan now and begin my own holiday mission... Good luck to all!

Labels: ,

posted by Yankees Chick @ Thursday, December 14, 2006  
14 Comments:
  • At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you are my fav.


    -PAT

     
  • At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Adam B. said…

    I'm surprised your not interested in Exhibit A, considering you're going to need an area to puke when Pavano pitches during Spring Training

     
  • At 9:48 PM, Blogger David Stefanini said…

    I'm going to say that the thong is for females, lol.

    Also I love the blog you guys have here. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and then I will do the same for your site.

    www.americanlegends.blogspot.com

    If you want to do this just write a comment on my blog with the URL to the homepage and the name you want me to put for the link.


    Thanks,
    David

     
  • At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Manny Being Manny said…

    I'll buy you the camo thong if you send me a picture of you in it.

     
  • At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What, no Jeter cologne? How is that not on the list?
    And that's the best comment associated with manny ever.

     
  • At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    OOOOH! I want a camo-thong pic, too!! The only question on this posting, ah, are these actual real for sale items. Maybe I'm a sucker.

     
  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger Yankees Chick said…

    sadly, they are real items... i think i would pay money to meet a person that owns that bucket.

     
  • At 7:10 PM, Anonymous Madge said…

    I have to agree with adam b., when I saw the bucket, my thought was "is it a barf bucket?" Course I was thinking of it being needed when former Yankees appear on the field in opposition...

     
  • At 10:12 PM, Anonymous ChrisV82 said…

    You know, shiny sports jackets were quite popular in the 80's. Don't be surprised if teenagers bring it back as a sort of retro-cool. They already did it with sweatbands.

    As for the bucket...how else are you going to carefully balance water on Joe Torre's slightly open door, so that when he goes to walk into his office it spills all over him, resulting in hilarity? The answer is, there is no other way.

     
  • At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Yankee Chick's Sis said…

    Dude, like you didn't order that Hot Sauce Box Set for dad...

    Also, being a Padres Fan from San Diego, and therefore close proximity to mexico, I can assure you all the bucket is for BEER... not to fill with beer, but put ice in and about four bottles of Corona or whatever. I know Yanks Chick doesn't drink beer, but you must have seen this "bucket-o-beers" concept before (like in TJ).

     
  • At 4:12 PM, Blogger Steve Kenul said…

    I have that beer bucket..But it was only $20. Then again, I also have some infield dirt from Yankees Stadium on a coin authenticated by MLB.com. I have a lot of odd Yankees items.

     
  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Dr. Blogstein said…

    I think the bucket is for Yankee fans to keep near their chairs next October when they see how their team performs in the playoffs.

    (I'm just going for the laugh. Don't hate me)

     
  • At 12:40 AM, Anonymous nyyfaninlaaland said…

    Okay, while all are extraordinary, the jacket was beyond comprehension.

    Good to see your sis here in SoCal understood the true utility of the bucket, and since you're not a beer drinker, it could probably be employed as a fabulous champagne chiller when we crush the bastard Angels en route to championship # 30 something - I say that because it could take til then for them to show up in the playoffs again.

    Good take on the thong - a few of your fans are drooling a little too obviously though. And sorry Mr. Kenul, but wasn't there something a little sad and a little scary about that last sentence there?

     
  • At 12:44 AM, Anonymous nyyfaninlaaland said…

    By the way YC Sis, don't callout your sis - who ever sees anything in TJ?

     
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