Constant scrutiny is a problem faced by anyone in the public eye. Whether by paparazzi angling their telescopic lenses right up the skirts of pantyless celebrities (the Yankees Chick understands that it is very difficult to remember to wear panties when there's so much partying to be done) or a radio station broadcasting the comments of a flagrant homophobe ("what, you mean what I say on the radio will be heard by people? And then other people might choose to report it?! I'm shocked, SHOCKED I tell you!"), these actors/athletes/politicians/media whores provide ample fodder for the waiting public in the form of scandalous pictures and delicious sound-bites. The folks with an ounce of tact and/or self-control are careful to censor their public comments in a fruitless attempt to maintain an air of diplomacy, but what fun is that for us?! Luckily for you lovely readers, your very own Yankees Chick happens to have earned her doctorate in Bullshit Comment Translation from the illustrious University of Cynicism, and loves nothing more than to share her knowledge and talents with all of you. Now that many of the players have started reporting to Spring Training, I have had plenty of interviews to analyze and am proud to say I have gotten to the bottom of the true meaning of several interesting sound bites:

Original Quote: Joe Torre, when asked how much work Pavano had to do to regain the trust and respect of his teammates: "It's sizable."
Translation: "I consider the possibility of Steinbrenner himself grabbing a ball and pitching a perfect game to be greater than that of Pavano regaining the trust of his teammates."

Original Quote: Moose, on the Pavano situation: "[Pavano]'s only looking at it from his perspective. We're looking at it from our perspective, those of us that have been through both years. We want him to go out there and show that he wants to do this. It got to a point where we just didn't even want to hear about it or talk about it anymore."
Translation: "I strongly desire to beat him senseless with a bat."

Original Quote: Jeter, on Pavano: "He just has to go, prove he's healthy and go out there and pitch. Then he'll be fine."
Translation: "I strongly desire to beat him senseless with a bat."

Original Quote: Mariano, on the fact that he could become a free agent after this season: "Everybody has the same shot. The Yankees will not have an advantage."
Translation: "The Yankees will pay me whatever I ask. And gladly."

Original Quote: Bernie, on not accepting the Yankees' minor league offer: "The Yankees always knew that I wanted to be with the Yankees and finish my career with the Yankees. If they don't want to do [anything] with me, I'm not going home crying. I'm going to move on."
Translation: "Everyone loves me and you know it. And I am going to go home crying."

Original Quote: Jeter, on Mariano's comments: "Mo ain't going nowhere. Mo will be right here next year. Where is he going to go? I'm just playing. I don't know his situation to be honest. I'm sure he would want an extension. I'd love to have an extension, too. To be honest with you, I didn't even know he was a free agent after this year. I'm sure they'll work it out."
Translation: "I'm a very nice person and a great player, but I'm really not very smart."

Original Quote: Clemens, on whether he will pitch in 2007: "We get little notes at my foundation about people saying they wish I would make up my mind and decide because I am leaving people hanging. I'm not leaving anybody hanging. I don't want to play."
Translation: "I am patiently waiting to see which team has the best shot at a World Series ring...but I am definitely playing."

Fear not, my friends...I will continue offering my translation services throughout the season as even more interesting interviews are inevitably reported. I don't know about you, but I can't wait!