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Top Ten Tuesdays: I'll Juice YOU
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The rumor mill this off-season has been especially juicy thus far, with the lack of quality free agents forcing teams to look towards wacko unbalanced trades to get the pieces they need. If the hundreds of different rumors regarding where Santana will end up weren't enough (looking like Sox-ville at the moment, but I am so ill of that story that I desperately need a reprieve from pontificating about it for a few hours), the Mitchell Report will come out in a few weeks, bringing joy to the lives of all of us schadenfreude-lovin’ folks, embarrassment (or more likely a bunch of excuses and denials…) to the cheaters themselves, and frustration to the teams that sign or trade for those aforementioned cheaters over the next few days right before the report comes out. There will obviously be many names on the list that will come as no surprise, but I am not looking forward to the disappointment I am sure to feel when the names of some folks I really love and admire pop up on that list…

Top Ten Players Whose Names Better Not Be On Mitchell’s List
10) Joba, Hughsie, Or I-Ken (The last thing this team needs is the realization that the pumped up farm has literally been pumped up)
9) Julio Franco (I like the thought of a 97 year old staying in decent shape via egg white and protein shakes far too much to let that illusion go)
8) Paul O’Neill (If he’s on the list, we can blame Kramer for imploring him to hit 2 homers in a game)
7) Jake Peavy (I am a San Diego gal, lest you have forgotten, and have watched this champ from the start. No one wants to find out that a Cy Young winning youngster that will probably break all kinds of strike-out records [as long as he avoids breaking ribs in celebrations a la 2006] is not legit)
6) Joe Girardi (That would be a very poor way to start his managerial career in the Bronx)
5) Tony Gwynn (Surely his massive weight gain is due only to bacon cheeseburgers and fries dipped in lard)
4) Carlos Delgado (I would really hate to see a liberal compatriot’s credibility shattered)
3) Derek Jeter (If I saw this name on the list it would seem so obscene that I would probably disregard the validity of the entire report)
2) Roger Clemens (Bad feeling about this one, to be perfectly honest... all I can do is hope to God Greg Graffin that the way he has stayed in pitching form in his advanced age is by eating a ton of spinach and drinking the blood of newborns)
1) A-Rod (The only current player with more than a shot in hell at crushing Bondzilla’s “record” - if he lets me down, my faith in intrinsic athletic talent may very well be permanently damaged)

Read last week's Top Ten: Bestest Minor League Team Names

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posted by Yankees Chick @ Tuesday, December 04, 2007  
  • At 3:13 PM, Blogger Ian said…

    I think we all feel the same way that we don't want to see anybody from our teams on their.

    could you imagine if any of the big name stars from the Sox or Yankees were on there.

    The list is going to cause an uproar as is. That would only make it a million times worse.

  • At 7:20 PM, Anonymous BIlly Pilgrim said…

    i'm very curious who is actually going to be on this list besides those we actually know about.

    maybe i'm cynical, but i don't think there will be any superstars on this list not in their decline.

    11) David Eckstein - It would break my heart if the hero of us short guys everywhere was juicing. Let us hold on to the dream that we can achieve!

    For future Mitchell Lists:

    Jon Lester - Forcefed roids and HGH by Billy Smith in a failed attempt to make trading Johan Santana for him not as stupid as it actually is.

  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    I'd bet my house on the Clemens taking roids, but I also wonder if the game will "protect" him. I dunno...

    and Mo - BR is damn good. I know you think they're better than damn good. But GG being god? i'm not sure on that one. haha.

  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger Bald Headed Geek said…

    I agree with both Ian and Matthew. And, I have a hunch that A-Rod is clean. You look at him and he doesn't LOOK like a steroid user. And, I doubt that Tony Gwynn used 'roids. However, recently he has begun to look like someone who ATE someone who used 'roids.......


  • At 6:54 AM, Anonymous RS Xmas! said…

    Hey Chickers,

    Just stopped it to see what dribble Yankees fans are spewing this December!

    Just got back from the store where I bought a boat-load of 2007 World Series Champions/Boston Red Sox stuff for all my favorite Yankee fans to wear to remember what a GREAT year we had up here in ol'Boston Town during the summmer of '07!

    See that notjhing has changed here. Good to see the second place team getting use to their new position in the pecking order!

    Have a Merry Red Sox '07 Champs Christmas to All!

  • At 9:25 AM, Blogger gcp said…

    If Jeter's name is on that list, black is white, day is night and we are through the looking glass.

  • At 9:09 AM, Anonymous pounder said…

    Mitchell is a Red Sox pimp.I guarantee Manny and Ortiz will not be on this list.Remember Gabe Kapler? No juice in him right,or Varitek ?

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