The rumor mill this off-season has been especially juicy thus far, with the lack of quality free agents forcing teams to look towards wacko unbalanced trades to get the pieces they need. If the hundreds of different rumors regarding where Santana will end up weren't enough (looking like Sox-ville at the moment, but I am so ill of that story that I desperately need a reprieve from pontificating about it for a few hours), the Mitchell Report will come out in a few weeks, bringing joy to the lives of all of us schadenfreude-lovin’ folks, embarrassment (or more likely a bunch of excuses and denials…) to the cheaters themselves, and frustration to the teams that sign or trade for those aforementioned cheaters over the next few days right before the report comes out. There will obviously be many names on the list that will come as no surprise, but I am not looking forward to the disappointment I am sure to feel when the names of some folks I really love and admire pop up on that list…

Top Ten Players Whose Names Better Not Be On Mitchell’s List
10) Joba, Hughsie, Or I-Ken (The last thing this team needs is the realization that the pumped up farm has literally been pumped up)
9) Julio Franco (I like the thought of a 97 year old staying in decent shape via egg white and protein shakes far too much to let that illusion go)
8) Paul O’Neill (If he’s on the list, we can blame Kramer for imploring him to hit 2 homers in a game)
7) Jake Peavy (I am a San Diego gal, lest you have forgotten, and have watched this champ from the start. No one wants to find out that a Cy Young winning youngster that will probably break all kinds of strike-out records [as long as he avoids breaking ribs in celebrations a la 2006] is not legit)
6) Joe Girardi (That would be a very poor way to start his managerial career in the Bronx)
5) Tony Gwynn (Surely his massive weight gain is due only to bacon cheeseburgers and fries dipped in lard)
4) Carlos Delgado (I would really hate to see a liberal compatriot’s credibility shattered)
3) Derek Jeter (If I saw this name on the list it would seem so obscene that I would probably disregard the validity of the entire report)
2) Roger Clemens (Bad feeling about this one, to be perfectly honest... all I can do is hope to God Greg Graffin that the way he has stayed in pitching form in his advanced age is by eating a ton of spinach and drinking the blood of newborns)
1) A-Rod (The only current player with more than a shot in hell at crushing Bondzilla’s “record” - if he lets me down, my faith in intrinsic athletic talent may very well be permanently damaged)


Read last week's Top Ten: Bestest Minor League Team Names