As I wrote yesterday
, I was honestly shocked to find out that the Rocket hooked up with a fifteen year old girl, of all people. However, after spending a full day thinking about it, I’ve realized that good ol’ Rog has zero credibility at this point. Seriously, at this point there aren’t many secrets about him you can reveal that would shock me.
So, to review just how far Clemens has sunk in my eyes...
Top Ten Things That Wouldn’t Surprise Me About Clemens:
10. Took the first two months of the season off the last few years to get the last few Pokemon, and finish his collection. He’s that dedicated to “Catch ‘Em All!”.
9. Eats horse testicles to improve his mound stamina, and sexual virility.
8. Not coincidentally, owns a minority share in Uncle Cletus’ Horse Testicle and Glue Factory.
7. Still thinks George Bush is doing a heckuvajob. Texas.
6. Plans to have one more child. Will be waiting 60 feet and 6 inches away from delivery table, waiting with baseball. Will brush back newborn Krazy Kaptain Kevin Clemens with a fastball straight out of the womb. To teach him a lesson.
5. After being denied entry into Cooperstown, will placate his ego by joining Vince McMahon’s WWE Hall of Fame (along with fellow shamed player Pete Rose).
4. Joins the WWE full-time as dastardly villain “Roid Rage” Roger Rocket. Fits right in. Finishing move? The Perjury Slam.
3. Tries to rebuild his legacy as a Red Sox middle reliever, and is welcomed back warmly by Sox fans everywhere. Gives up a home run in his first start, and is promptly driven out of town by the same pragmatic, level-headed Sox fans.
2. Was a secret CIA operative in 2000. Had to throw the bat shard at Mike Piazza to snap him out of a murderous rage instilled by hypnotism. Should have been celebrated as a national hero instead of being vilified, but Secret Operative R.C. is all about getting the job done, and serving his country. He doesn’t need the credit.
1. Revelation that Clemens drinks the blood of innocent Christian babies, feasting at night to appease the dark lord Kromdar. John Kruk spends five minutes on Baseball Tonight explaining how this will allow Clemens to win 30 games with the Yankees next year.
Read last week's Top Ten: Reasons Not to Stress About Hughsie and IPK