Gather 'round, children, for the Yankees Chick has a tale to tell. 'Tis a tale of true sorrow, of heroes and martyrs, a story so entwined in inexplicable mystery
it will leave you pondering your very existence upon its completion. It is known to some as "The Angels Have The Yankees Number" or even "Couldn't You Have Predicted This By Now?", but I know it by its true name: "The Great Angels Mystery".
Long, long ago, in a universe full of pixies and fat dudes that hit homers
without the help of anything more potent than a street-vendor hot dog, a team was born. This team, which was eventually to be known by the glorious moniker "The Yankees"
, seemed destined for greatness from the start. They found success year after year and watched their fanbase grow in spades as a result. They had the most fans and wooed the best young players. Everyone from doctors to janitors to musical theater
producers was intrigued by the team, and seemingly no one could stop them. [cue dark foreshadowing music]
Years later, while the Yankees continued on with their winning ways unfettered out on the east coast, out west another team was born.
Unlike the Yankees, this team, which found its home first in LA and then in a crappy neighborhood of Orange County, a place no one outside the far-superior LA-area cared much about until that trashed-up Fox show debuted, was not met with initial triumph. The team was owned by Gene Autry
- a singing cowboy for christsake
- and then by Disney, and while there is no doubt that "Angels in the Outfield
" and all of the "Mighty Ducks" movies are stellar examples of 1990's cinema, the Hollywood crew did not make much out of their team. Sure, they had Nolan Ryan and a few close calls in the 1980's, but they only managed to win their division 3 times in their first 40 years of existence. No one much cared about the team. Even Nolan Ryan once said "I sure do wish I was pitching all these no-hitters for a team that will one day be enjoyed by a girl from Los Angeles named Maureen"
(roll with it).
Late in the 20th century, the magnificent team from the east and this cheesy Disney-fied team from the west began colliding in a most horrendous fashion.
Somehow, despite the fact that the Yankees were enjoying one of the best eras in franchise history, producing star (Jeet) after star (Bernie!) and becoming regular forces in the playoffs, the Angels managed to win against them. A lot. They began winning pretty much every series during which the teams faced off, including a few tragic season-enders
(for the Yanks), regardless of the strength of the Yankees or the weakness of the stupid Angels (and I do mean STUPID; they changed their name to "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" - - first off, Anaheim is not in Los Angeles
at all; second, "Los Angeles" means "The Angels" en espanol,
which I suppose the team would know if they were actually IN Los Angeles amongst folks other than rich white people. In other words, they changed their name from "The Anaheim Angels" to "The The Angels Angels of Anaheim"
). While the Yankees' legendary rivalry with the Boston "Seriously, We Are Totally The New Yankees Minus The Championships" Red Sox remained a popular feud to monitor, it seemed and still seems that the Yankees true
rivals are those Jesus-loving (I made that up, but Angels and Jesus go together, so I'm impugning them thusly) Disney characters of non-Los Angeles.
Now that you have heard this frightening story - and please do accept my most sincere apologies, as you surely will suffer nightmares for the next several days as a result of reading this - perhaps you can help in the solving of the mystery. To my knowledge, there exists no explanation for the Angels' dominance over the dear Bombers.