The Yanks have completed another mini-signing, this time for 3rd baseman Morgan Ensberg. I refer to it as a "mini" signing because it is just a 1-year minor league deal (he'll come to Spring Training to "audition" for a roster spot) and with A-Rod at 3rd base he obviously wouldn't be getting much starting time over in that corner. In fact, he would most likely spend most of his limited playing time as part of the platoonity over at 1st base. It's not a bad deal for the Yanks (although at this point I'm unsure about how much they're paying the fellow) - he doesn't have a strong average (.265 lifetime) or OBP (.366 lifetime), but he's got at least a little bit of pop and he seems like a nice enough dude. I suppose we'll see how things turn out!

As Spring Training approaches, I find myself getting as excited as those ignorant Santa-believin' children (I have no patience for superstition at any age! Out with your Jesus AND your Santa!) get around Christmas. I'm just about ready to bust out the blue and white construction paper and make a good old fashioned countdown chain! Luckily for my nerves (and for this blog, which is bad enough when there IS shit to talk about), we are getting VERY close to the action! Pitchers and catchers are due to arrive in Tampa in just a couple short weeks, followed by the rest of the crew by the end of the month, and y'all know what comes after that: real live actual baseball playing!

Since the games are sadly still a solid month in the future, let's focus our attention for the time being on the pitchers, since they'll be comin' round the mountain first:

FanHouse Minute is your 60-second rundown of the top five headlines of the day. Check back here every weekday morning for the latest.


Video link.

Read more:
5. But Tell Us How You REALLY Feel About Jerry Jones
4. Tony Out, Damon In
3. 25 Years Isn't THAT Long to Wait For a Victory
2. Not a Super Nova
1. Perhaps The Jailhouse Team Will Sign Barry

The lovely ladies of FanHouse Minute:
Mondays: Mystery Lady
Tuesdays: Kristine
Wednesdays: Miss Gossip
Thursdays: Yankees Chick
Fridays: Kate Scott

I've been trying my YC hardest to put a personal moratorium on discussing all the Clemens-Steroids hoopla until there is something new to say about it - An admission of guilt on his or Mcnameanie's part? A shocking sting operation by the Mitchell-Selig confederation that turned up dozens of syringes complete with trace amounts of HGH? - but there is a disappointing relative lack of other news about which to speak so I fear I must give you a brief update on the latest in the he-said-other-he-said debacle!

Rog's Straight-Talk Express Denial Crusade 2008 has already taken a tour through Webcam City with his initial "I Didn't Do It" video that was posted to his personal site, stopped off at 60 Minutes Junction to broadcast his anger in a format a tad more advanced than the ol' webcam, made a detour to Press Conference Row for a dose of public emotional denial, slapped Mr. Trainer with a lawsuit down in the Sue-Happy Barrio, and his current location is a nice Bed and Breakfast in the quaint town of Math Will Lead You To The Truth. A new website has been created, RogerClemensReport.com, with a 44-page report detailing Roger's stats over the years in an effort to show that there have been no statistics that would point to the use of unnatural substances to enhance his performance. The report - which was put together by Rog's agent Randy Hendricks and 2 of his "associates" (what is this, the mob?) - has a lot of snazzy charts and graphs, which means it is both professional and irrefutable, and compares the Rocket's career highs and lows with the likes of Schilling, Nolan, and the Unit. I got bored by about page 3 - not because I hate math (recall, if you will, that YC was the vice-president of the Math Club in high school) or Clemens (he'll remain innocent until proven guilty in my mind, unlike Bonds), but just because it's pretty much pointless. I understand that what they are trying to do is cast additional doubt on Mcnameanie's (sidenote: I like that new nickname. I'm sticking with it) claims by showing that all of Clemens' numbers can be chalked up to talent and adjustments to his techniques as he grew older (and older, and older...)

Next up in his crusade is, of course, the much-anticipated stop-off at Congressional Hearing Municipality on February 13th. Estan listos para esa, amigos?

We've been waiting for news on Santanamania's 2008 destination since the end of the 2007 season, and it appears that a decision has FINALLY been made! The Yanks were in the mix for quite a while, offering the likes of the Melk-ster and Hughsie, but the Twinsies (wisely) had their sights set on Jobamania and/or I-Ken; the Red Sox were considered the other big player and offered either Ellsbury or Lester, but the Twinsies wanted both, not one or the other. Both of those negotiations ended up sputtering out, and it looks like 'tis the METS that will end up the winners of the Santanamania sweepstakes.

According to MetsBlog the deal won't be dunzo until a (sizable!) contract extension is agreed upon, and they have 72 hours to get that hammered out. The Met Jrs that will be heading to Twinsville won't be officially announced until that time, but it looks as though the Twins will be getting 3 pitchers (Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey) and one outfielder (Carlos Gomez). Obviously I am not all that familiar with the Mets' farm system and prospects, but Mets fans and bloggers seem to agree that those 4 players project to be solid, but they are very happy that their top prospect, Fernando Martinez (a 19-yr-0ld outfielder) was not included in the deal, and neither was 24-yr-old pitcher Mike Pelfrey.

I'm sure all parties involved are pleased with this situation - Santana gets his extension and will be pitching in the NL, the Twins get some prospects, and the Mets get arguably the best pitcher in baseball for what appears to be a relatively low cost prospects-wise - but I've got to say that I still feel like the offers both the Red Sox and Yankees put on the table were better than what the Twins are getting from the Mets. Why would a team turn down Melky and Hughes or Lester/Ellsubry, who are proven to be capable of succeeding in the big time, in favor of 4 guys with a lot of promise but limited experience? Am I missing something?

The best part of this news for the Yanks is, of course, the fact that the guy did not end up going to the Red Sox. They will now only have to face him probably twice a year during interleague play (once per series) - more if the two teams ever end up facing off in a WS again! - rather than 5+ times against a division rival, and they won't have to worry about him boosting the Sox's record for years to come. Their pitching is good enough without that beast.

The Yanks' 2007 season got off to a rough start (in case you've forgotten, their record in April was 9-14 and they were in the cellar of the AL East) and they ended the year on an even uglier note (let's blame the gnats! And... the Yankees playing like little leaguers. And... the Indians completely blowing the Yanks out of the water with their superior pitching... sigh), but there were some good times in there! Really!

Top Ten Happy Memories Of The 2007 Season

10) Shelley "Spirit Coordinator" Duncan's double-homer game on 7/22/07.
9) Pettitte's performance during the gnat-game - 6.1 IP with no runs scoring. Too bad it didn't turn out better.
8) The big Clemens announcement.
7) Hughsie's much-anticipated debut. He didn't pull a Joba, but incredibly solid starts for a rookie and very promising for the future.
6) The relative surprise of I-Ken. Obviously he was expected to be good (he was the Yank's first pick in the '05 draft) but he got somewhat lost in the Hughsie/Jobamania shuffle and wasn't as highly anticipated earlier in the season.
5) The team climbing their way out of utter loser-ville and coming to within 1.5 games of the Red Sox (for a day, anyway!).
4) Melky's INCREDIBLE catch that robbed Manny of a homer and won him a "This Year In Baseball" award for most outstanding play in the 2007 season. (EDIT... this catch was in 2006. Clearly it made a big impact on me, as I am still trying to give him credit for it like it happened yesterday. I guess I only have 9 fantabulous memories of last season rather than 10. Lo siento, munecas)
3) A-Rod's incredible clutchtasticness! Walk-off homers, grand slams, etc!
2) The day they secured their spot in the playoffs - for quite a while there it was looking iffy...
1) The sheer thrill of watching Jobamania pitch and knowing that he is not only a farm product but has been made essentially untouchable by Cash et al, so we can get excited about watching a nice home-grown farm boy for many years to come!



Read last week's Top Ten: Useless Dudes I'd Rather Have On The Team Than Pavano

Like most Yanks fans (I think, anyway...) I love Bernie Williams. His contributions to the team - yes, even in his last year! - are countless and undeniable - and I truly find it hard to believe that anyone invested (emotionally or otherwise) in the team would have hard feelings towards the dear man.

Apparently there is at least one man harboring feelings that are a tad bit less cheerful toward the Bernster: The Cash Man! On Friday night he expressed some feelings on Bern, saying that he had a "terrible" season in 2005 and it was wrong of Torre to play him as much as he did. To be fair, Bernie did have a poor year offensively - .249 average, 12 homers .321 OBP - but his defense was fine (.991 fielding percentage) and he still had a positive impact on the team as far as attitude and morale goes. The real surprising part of this story to me is that considering the fact that Cash really hasn't been all that outspoken when it comes to dissatisfaction with individual players, and saying such things about a player that isn't even on the team anymore seems pointless (what is to gain?), why would he bother?

I don't know, folks... what dost thou think? Should he have shut his face and kept his negative feelings about a player that has meant so much to the fans and his teammates to himself? Or are his feelings valid and perfectly fine to share in a manner that obviously would make its way to the public?

A message to my lovely YC friends and foes:

It seems to me - in my humble YC opinion - that about 99.99% of you are passionate about baseball, intelligent, and have some sort of life beyond harassing people. This goes for those that love me or hate me. I have nothing against people that dislike me or my opinions, so long as they are coherent and make interesting points (that is, something other than "u suck and r ugly lolz!!!" At least explain WHY I suck and am ugly, peeps!).

There is also a small contingent of "readers" that go far beyond simple harmless dislike/babbling. I'm referring to the few of you that have left comments threatening me ("watch out"? Please.)

This is where the lesson comes in:

I have a tracking program installed on this blog. I use it to monitor the number of people that visit and how they got here (a link, an email, a Google search*, etc). It is useful when figuring out what a fair cost might be for advertisers and is also just plain interesting.

This tracking program also has another feature: I can see the IP address of every single person that accesses the site. For the most part, this feature doesn't interest me all that much, because I don't really have a reason to know or care about this info in the cases of most of y'all. HOWEVER: When someone says something truly creepy and borderline scary, please note that it takes me a maximum of 30 seconds to find out your IP address. I can find out where you are posting from in a matter of minutes, and if you are posting from your place of business the IP address will make that clear (CBS, CSTV, etc etc etc).

In case you haven't put 2 and 2 together yet, this all means that whether you post as "anonymous" or not, I can still find out who you are, and if this shit continues, it is within my rights - and again, is ridiculously easy - to ring up your aforementioned place of business.

On that note, lovies to all of y'all that make this blog a success, by simply stopping by, sharing your thoughts via commenting (and again - I welcome MEAN comments too, so long as they make more sense than something my 4 yr old nephew would say), or emailing me directly.

Now: back to baseball!!



*sidenote: in addition to searches like "baseball blog", "yankees news", "baseball glossary", "yankees rumors", and the like, there seems to be an inordinate number of people that navigate here from a search for "small boobs". On one hand, it makes me happy that there are people that actually prefer us gals that are sadly not in possession of monstrous tits (of the real or fake variety); on the other hand, how did Google know to index my site in that way?! Clearly they've been watching my videos. Now THAT is an example of advanced technology!

Edit 1/27/08: it appears I misinterpreted the reports (YC making a mistake?! UNPRECEDENTED) - - the actual deal calls for 4 years but has 2 additional club option years, which would THEN add up to the $56 mil. My opinions on the subject remain unchanged, though...!



All week there has been "preliminary" (I say preliminary now, anyway) buzz of the Yanks hooking Cano up with a 4-year deal worth about $30 mil, but ESPN is now reporting that the deal is significantly grander. Cano and the Yanks are alleged to be on the brink of agreeing on a 6-year, $56 mil contract, meaning Cano would be earning over $9 mil per year and would have his position secured with the team through 2013, when he will be 31. I thought the previous deal was a good one for both sides - the Yanks got him at a steep discount and Cano's worries about not being with the team were assuaged - but this contract would be an even bigger boon for the both team and and of course for Sir Robby. $9 million per year is STILL cheap for the Yanks; I have no doubt about Cano's talents and the contributions he is going to continue to make to the team - mark my words, this man WILL win an MVP and a batting title. For Robby, the deal looks tan excitante. A potential $9 million is a far cry from the $490K he made in 2007, and 6 years is just about as good as it can get for a youngster, regardless of talent (of which he has plenty, of course). Few teams are willing to invest such a considerable chunk of change in any player for such a time period, and to offer that sort of deal to a 25-year-old is quite a compliment to Cano!

It's arbitration season for a few Yanks (and if you aren't familiar with the term in regards to baseball, don't fret my pets: you can read my delightful definition of arbitration over at the world-famous [lies] Yankees Chick Glossary!): Cano, Wang, and Bruney. The Yanks haven't reached deals with the Wangster or Bruno, but they have zeroed in a sweet contract with Robby. Generally speaking, the Yanks don't use arbitration time to strike multi-year contracts with their players (they just hammer out the salaries), but they are on the brink of signing Cano to a 4-year deal worth $30 million. This arrangement is a very wise move for the Yankees, and obviously works out well for Cano, too. With Cano under contract for 4 years, the team is getting an All-Star 2nd baseman for bargain-basement prices in this crazy inflated market - which shows NO signs of ever returning to any sort of sanity - and Cano can breathe easy about his place on the team for a few years and exert 90% of his mental energy on playing beisbol and the other 10% on frolicking jauntily about the stadium with Melky.

Remember when that stupid phrase (the "it's the nineties" part, not the part about embracing change... I don't think that really counts as a phrase. A concept maybe, or a philosophy on life, but not a phrase) was sort of popular? I truthfully can't recall hearing an actual person ever say it, but it seems to have been a favorite of script writers as I hear it FAR too often when watching movies or TV shows from that era (including faves such as the star-studded epic feature "Camp Cucamonga", which, if you haven't seen, I implore you to track down and watch intently - and if you can't find it, I would be happy to make a copy from the VHS I have, which includes the added bonus of early-nineties commercials).

Anyway, the point of me using that god-awful disgrace of a phrase is that whether y'all like it or not, the Yanks will be playing in a spiffy new stadium come 2009 and the old one will be nothing but memories. And a gazillion pictures. And movies. And archived video. Etc.

The new stadium is being built with all the modern features you might expect but with careful sensitivity to retain the old Yankee Stadium feel. It will actually be two structures - an outer "shell" that will look like the old Yankee Stadium (pre-renovation style) and then of course the ballpark itself. In between the perimeter/wall and the actual park will be a ton of space to fill with concession stands and outrageously overpriced souvenirs. There are pictures of the stadium in progress at YankeeTradition.com, but at this point it still pretty much looks how you'd imagine any partially-built stadium would look: steel, scaffolding, concrete, and piles of dirt that don't appear to have anything to do with the project. Once it is completed, though, the differences between the current and future Yankee Stadiums will be significant:

The Good: Alleged better views from the top seats (but see "The Ugly" below...). They're adding 1,000 standing room spots (I originally typed "seats" there, but that clearly makes no sense), which I would imagine would be cheaper and perhaps a person could move around a bit. Monument Park, of course, will be moved on over to the new stadium, and there will be a restaurant right above it. There will also be larger concourses, meaning when the Yankees Chick inevitably chooses to go games that include 3-hour rain delays, I won't have to be quite as smooshed up next to 53,000 sweaty beer-drinkers. Also, we will apparently be able to see the field better from inside the concourses.

The Bad: Fewer bleacher seats, more luxury boxes (that is good if you're Donald Trump; not so good if you are the Yankees Chick), and higher ticket prices.

The Ugly: The seats will be placed in more of a bowl-shape rather than the traditional upward slope, meaning people in the cheap seats will be much further away from the field rather than simply 49083980324980342feet above it.


Some folks are depressed about the end of the current Stadium, while others are excited about the modernization. Since the Yankees are both a traditional team and one with an exorbitant amount of money and roster full of stars, it is easy to see both sides of the coin here. They are an organization with a long history in the old stadium, but their flashy image seems deserving of a stadium with more features and glamour and a few less cracks and chunks of hardened gum beneath the seats. Personally, I think they're making the right move - a fancy new stadium with a nice "throwback" appeal for the sentimental fans. After all, it is the nineties and there is no point living in the past.

And by "the nineties" I mean 2008. If it were the 90's this article would be about Big Stein wanting to move the team to New Jersey.

In case you've forgotten, Carl Pavano is a jackass. His injured body is permanently crumpled into the corner of DL-ville and yet his wallet continues to expand with the steady flow of cash being heaped upon him by Big Stein and the Gang. He has inspired such fiery rage inside my Yankees Chick heart that my feelings for him have actually surpassed anger and even disgust and instead lie somewhere in the vicinity of vengeful, spite-filled fury.

Last year, I explained that Pavano is far more than just a busted Yankee. His name is also synonymous with some concepts you might be familiar with:

Pavano
Pa-va-no [Puh-VAH-no]

Noun.

1. A chronically injured baseball player: Carl Pavano has been a pavano for most of his time with the Yankees.
2. A money pit requiring millions of dollars and offering little return: Wow, this old fixer-upper house we bought sure is turning out to be a pavano- we've been working on it for years and it's still not habitable!
   
3. An unwanted long-term commitment: I had to sign a lease for my apartment; it’s a total pavano since I can’t move for a year even though I found a cheaper, more attractive place to live.

Verb

1. To injure oneself in a strange, unconventional manner: I pavanoed when I tripped over a pile of cotton balls, fell into a large trampoline, and catapulted onto the roof of my dog’s house; I broke my left leg, 3 ribs and my right pinky finger.
   
2. To disappoint people; not live up to expectations: I did not want to pavano, so I showed up to work early on my first day and worked late on a special assignment.
3. To avoid manual labor at any cost, including inflicting injuries on oneself to disqualify one from performing said labor: Jimmy was sick of his tough job as a carpenter, so he pavanoed by intentionally contracting avian flu.
   

Say it with me now, amigos: Pavano es un pendejo! Normally I don't concern myself too much with the Yank's payroll - they have the money and bring in boatloads of revenue for the league, so what the hell is the difference to me? - but the fact that Pavano is earning money like it's going out of style year in and year out makes me sick to my stomach. I would rather see Big Stein spend that money on gold plating for his dishwasher* than have it continue to be fund Pavano's surgery-spree (break two bones, get the next one fixed free).

Yes, he's a waste of space. And money. Even more useless than...


Top Ten Useless Dudes I'd Rather Have On The Yanks Than Pavano

10) Royce Clayton
9) Julio Franco
8) Morgan Ensberg
7) Marcus Giles
6) Armando Benitez
5) Mike Hampton
4) Jeff Weaver
3) Nick Punto
2) Julio Lugo
1) Jaret Wright


Read Last Week's Top Ten: Tampa Dreams!


*I could probably do a whole Top Ten just on things I'd rather see Stein spend money on than some of these losers **

**Let's hope I never get THAT desperate for content***

***I have been very asterisk-happy this past week or so! Delicious!

This here bloggity has been home to a considerable amount of sorrow (first round exits from the playoffs every year I've been blogging!), bitterness (remember: Pavano Must Die), and frustration, but the ol' Yankees Chick has a positive streak, too! Remember my short-lived and half-hearted attempt to rally some love for Pavano last year? And my ongoing support of A-Rod, of course! Yes, I CAN BE and often am delighted by this team and its members, and in the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr - AKA the reason you slackers aren't at work today - I thought I'd mention the fact that both the Melk Man and A-Rod are being recognized for their philanthropic efforts with the Thurman Munson Award. Good work, men!

Someone better call IKEA for A-Rod, STAT... his trophy case has got to be full to capacity at this point. This one could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

FanHouse Minute is your 60-second rundown of the top five headlines of the day. Check back here every weekday morning for the latest.

Video link.

Read more:
5. The Dugout: Bud Selig Style
4. Damn Blackberries!
3. First Overtime In 9 Years!
2. Patriots Are Super Bowl Bound
1. The Whole Patriots Team is "Cheap And Dirty!"

The lovely ladies of FanHouse Minute:
Mondays: Mystery Lady
Tuesdays: Kristine
Wednesdays: Miss Gossip
Thursdays: Yankees Chick
Fridays: Kate Scott

Jerry Crasnick at ESPN.com has been comparing players during his Hot Stove Heater chats this offseason - A-Rod vs Pujols, Peavy vs Beckett, etc - and this week he stacked up the work of Joba and that of Clay Bucholz to see which youngster reigned supreme. Who came out on top? What did I have to say about it? Are you bored? View on!

Last year's utility man extraordinaire - he played every infield position as well as left and right field at least once in 2007 - Wilson "Better Mint (don't deny that you think that EVERY TIME you read or hear his name)" Betemit will be returning to the team this season. It's just a mini-signing, really, but everyone needs a utility man and one that can fill in at so many positions and also has a decent amount of pop is certainly a fine choice. He'll be earning $1.165 million for his services.

Just a sidenote, my babies: the very fact that a bench player that barely gets on base (and a sidenote-within-a-sidenote: I DO think that he's a good addition to the team, I'm just making a point here) can demand over a mil is either a great sign for the state of the MLB's economy or yet another sign that the dollar has very little value anymore.*


*P.S: Sorry for getting a tad political... again.

Commissioner Buddy-Boy Selig was awarded (is that the right word? Methinks not, but I can't come up with anything better, so bear with me munecas) a 3-year extension to his commish contract today, ensuring his position through the 2012 season. Apparently turning a blind eye to rampant steroid use (not that I'm really complaining... I like home runs as much as the next dude/dudette) and then jumping on board Senator Mitchell's anti-drug wagon like Nancy Regan is just the amalgamation of job experience the owners were looking for. In fact, they voted unanimously to keep Buddy around. Perhaps, like me, they were fearful that George Bush would try to weasel his way into the job once his devastating tenure in the White House was finally over (how the hell long has it been? Feels like at LEAST 15 years...).

In addition to the steroids issues - both the ignoring and the recent eradication crusade - there have been some very positive developments in baseball during Buddy's term (let's forget for a moment about that whole "strike" business). Revenue is up, the league has expanded, stadiums are selling out like it's going out of style (oh wait... sorry, Marlins), MLB.com has improved vastly, and even the most interchangeable utility players are scoring big contracts. I assume most of his energies over the next 4 years will go into talking about, testing for, and punishing users of steroids, so there most likely won't be any major changes in any other aspect of the game, but the steroids angle is surely a problem worthy of his main focus. And hey, even if nothing gets accomplished in that regard, like I said: at least we know Dubya ain't coming near baseball.

FanHouse Minute is your 60-second rundown of the top five headlines of the day. Check back here every weekday morning for the latest.

Video link.

Read more:
5. Penn State Out Like Seacrest
4. Get Your Wallet Ready: Holliday Is On The Way (In 2 Years...)
3. "Because I Said So" Doesn't Work In This House
2. Somebody Remind Rome What "Miscommunication" Means
1. What Man WOULDN'T Do This For Ashley Judd?

The lovely ladies of FanHouse Minute:
Mondays: Mystery Lady
Tuesdays: Kristine
Wednesdays: Miss Gossip
Thursdays: Yankees Chick
Fridays: Kate Scott

Nailing down a cheater is tricky business - just ask Nancy Drew and those crafty Hardy Boys. There are plenty of ways to cheat in sports (just ask Gaylord Perry and his industrial-sized tub of Vaseline), but steroids and PED's as a whole generally seem to be looked upon as the cheaty-est form of cheating. It's obviously a huge issue at the moment, but with all the advances in modern medicine (call today for your free trial of Enzyte!), the problem is going to get a lot bigger (thanks in part to that Enzyte) as the drugs get even trickier to test for. Some PED's can be identified during the super-effective random drug tests administered by the ever-vigilant MLB, but for juice like HGH, the only way to prove that someone has used them seems to be to either find some canceled checks (way to cover your tracks, Lo Duca) or have your trainer out you to a crazed ex-Senator that may very well be on some sort of drug himself. Unlike other drugs, HGH will not cause your urine to sound steroid sirens when tested; to identify whether a person has been using HGH, hormone levels in the blood must be measured against the person's "normal" hormone levels.*

To curb the use - or at least strike some fear into a few potential user's hearts - of PED's, the idea of requiring every player to provide a blood sample to be frozen has come up. With every player's blood on ice, the MLB would have the ability not only to thaw it out and test it whenever they damn well pleased but to test for more drugs than they currently can. Awesome mental picture of a meat locker filled with vials of baseball blood aside, this sounds like a very wise idea - easy and convenient testing, blood at the ready for advanced tests as they are developed, and, like I said, a neat photo op.

There are problems, though. No one seems to agree on whether the frozen blood would hold up very well and thus provide reliable results from the drug testing, and more importantly, the players union doesn't like the idea one bit. There are questions as to whether it would violate civil liberties, and it would have to be voted in for the next bargaining agreement. The MLB is all for it, especially given the current cloud of cheater-ness hanging over baseball's good name, but the union will have the final word on this.

The word will be no.

Can someone Photoshop me a meat locker full of baseball blood anyway?

EDIT 01/17/08: Billy from Seraphim7.com sketched out a great pic of my aforementioned blood-filled meat locker dream! Check it out here and share my dream: http://uberuser.seraphim7.com/2008/01/where-baseballs-secrets-go-to-die.html



*I am not a chemist by trade (or by anything else... sorry Dr. E [YC's high school chemistry teacher]), so I'm sure this explanation is beyond weak. Look it up, Googlers.

I've always wanted to experience the pure golden magic of Spring Training - the intimate setting, checking out the performances of the non-roster invitees, the chance to score some autographs from players (perhaps I could cajole/trick/brainwash A-Rod into squiring me about the town... I'm not blond like his stripper friend [nor am I a stripper or the owner of large fake breasts, but let's not focus on details here folks], but I've been defending him for years and I won't be wearing a "Fuck You" tank top like wifey so surely that will score me some points, no?), but this year I am actually considering making the journey. There are a few obstacles in my way, like money, but I'd really like to make my way out there. If any of you guys have been and want to share your experiences, please share in the comments section!

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Do In Tampa

10) Meet some reporters from various media outlets and force them to chat with me as though I were a legitimate baseball writer myself.
9) Drive out to Orlando for some Disney action so I can compare the churros to the ones at Disneyland here in Cali.
8) Cruise around on a golf cart. Apparently there's a lot of golf-playing down there, and while I don't care much for golf, I love me some golf cart drivin'.
7) Track down Hankster and Hal-itosis in a swanky bar (no dives for them, I'm sure), liquor them up, and get them to divulge some secrets. If I can't accomplish that, perhaps I can at least cajole them into doing some embarrassing table-dancing.
6) Practice my espanol with Cano and Melky (I mean... Me gustaria practicar mi espanol con Cano y Melky)
5) Keep an eye on all the non-roster invitees so that I can get (even more!) excited about the future of the team... and mentally cross a few of the lesser dudes off my list of likely future Yanks.
4) Sit in the sun at Legends Field for days on end and encourage my skin to look like something in between a vampire and a tomato.
3) Meet some players and score some autographs. Preferably something humorous.
2) Lay eyes on Big Stein. I don't even need to meet him. I just want to confirm that he's a real person... like Santa.
1) Go to the games. Obv.


Read Last Week's Top Ten: Moves Methinks Will Be Regretted

Jose Canseco has made it his life's work to out every cheater in town (himself included - fairness counts!), first with his 2005 book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big and his accompanying extreme outspoken-ness and now his plans to publish a part deux to the book and expose some more players. He has vowed to show some proof that our dear A-Rod needs to be grouped amongst the big-headed PED-users, but personally, I don't buy it...

2008 will be a monumental year for the Yanks - new manager, the excitement of seeing Hughsie, I-Ken, and Jobamania (assuming a Santanamania deal doesn't squire one of them off to Twinsville, which with each passing day seems less and less likely), and the All-Star game being held at the stadium. Even more monumental, though, is the fact that this will be the final season played at Yankee Stadium as we know it! By the start of the 2009 season the new and quite fancy stadium will be ready for action, retractable roof ready to stave off rain delays and 3rd-degree sunburns on the Yankees Chick's paler-than-pale ghost skin (damn you, Irish blood! And that vampire coffin I sleep in!), relegating the old stadium to the "demolished old stadiums" pile. It will be sad, of course, because the stadium has been home to so many baseball greats and has been the site of many a fantastic feat, but I feel confident that the new stadium will retain much of the Yankee spirit!

The strange thing about the end of the current stadium era is that a Yankees game might not even be the last game played there. The NHL and IYD's (Important Yankees Dudes, obv) are cooking up some sort of deal that would allow a hockey game to be played at the stadium after the 2008 season is over next winter, which would make it the last pro sports game ever to be played at the stadium before its eventual demolition (sidenote: I wish Cheap Seats were still on the air so we could have the Sklar brothers host that event!). I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it seems almost disrespectful to the sanctity of the stadium to have any non-Yank-related event close out the era; on the other hand, does it really make a difference? At least the stadium would be going to some use before it implodes. Then on my third hand (oh, you didn't know about my deformity/radiation side effect?), as an aficionada of hockey brawls it might be kind of exciting/humorous to see some teeth flying on the ice while the gods of Monument Park sit just feet away, smirking with satisfaction at the superiority of their more civilized (usually) sport.

How about you?

From 1972 to 1980, MC Hammer served as a batboy with the Oakland Athletics under team owner Charlie Finley, who lived in the Midwest. Hammer acted as a clubhouse "informant" to Finley, and was even dubbed "Executive Vice President" by the owner. Perhaps he could have been a player himself someday, but I guess he was Too Legit to Quit his dream of uniting the world with parachute pants.

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Ken Griffey Sr. and Jr. are the only father-son duo in the MLB to ever hit home runs in the same game.

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After graduating from the University of Minnesota, Dave Winfield was drafted by the San Diego Padres, the Minnesota Vikings (despite not playing college football!), the Atlanta Hawks of the NBA, and the Utah Stars of the ABA. He is one of only three men ever drafted in three different pro sports (the other being Dave Logan and Charlie Ward) and the only man to be drafted by four leagues.

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During his illustrious career, Derek Jeter has amassed a batting average of .317, he's an 8-time All-Star, was awarded the Gold Glove twice and the Silver Slugger once, has hit 200+ hits five different times, and holds a .314 average in the post-season
...but he's never won the MVP!

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Ty Cobb holds the record for stealing home 54 times during his career - the man in 2nd place only did it 33 times!

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Only 3 players have hit home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game during the playoffs, and only Bernie Williams has accomplished this during two playoff games (1995 ALDS and 1996 ALDS).

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Knocking in 10+ runs in a single game is rarer than a perfect game or even a 4-homer game - just 12 players have done it. The most recent was A-Rod on 04-26-2005.

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During a two week span, Mickey Cochrane, Jimmie Foxx and Pinky Higgins all hit for the cycle with the 1933 Philadelphia Athletics.

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The greatest reliably recorded speed at which a baseball has been pitched is 100.9 mph by Nolan Ryan at Anaheim Stadium in California on August 20, 1974.

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Lou Gehrig hit 3 grand slams over a 4-day period in 1931 (Aug 29, Aug 31 & Sept 1).

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Hughie Jennings holds the record for being hit by pitches - he was plunked 287 times during his 17-year career!

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The Yanks' Phil Rizzuto was the first ever mystery guest on the classic panel show What's My Line in 1950.

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Bob Dylan told Rolling Stone Magazine that Derek Jeter is his favorite baseball player.

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Sam "Wahoo" Crawford holds the record for most career triples (309 over 19 seasons with the Tigers and the Reds), and was also the first player to have led both the National and American League in home runs (1901 and 1908) during his career.

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Rickey Henderson is one of only two players (with Eric Davis) to steal over 80 bases and hit over 20 home runs in the same season.

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Steve Garvey holds the record for the most consecutive games without committing an error - 193 (from 6/26/83 - 4/14/85).

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Barry Bonds leads all active players in home runs, RBI, walks, intentional walks, on-base percentage, runs, games, extra-base hits, at-bats per home run, and total bases.

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Joba "Just TRY Not To Love Me. You Cannot Do It." Chamberlain has thrown his slider 16 times in 9 innings and not one batter has even made contact with it.

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Roger Clemens and Kerry Wood are the only pitchers to have struck out 20 batters in a 9-inning game (bonus: Rocket did it twice!)

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In his first 23 seasons as owner, Big Stein changed managers 20 times - including dismissing Billy Martin on five separate occasions.

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Paul O'Neill is not just a baseball player but a drummer, too! He has performed onstage with John Mellencamp.

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After losing a game to the Yanks in 2004, Pedro Martinez remarked in a press conference, "They beat me. They're that good right now. They're that hot. I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy."

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When the Indians put a stop to Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hit streak on July 17, 1941, he remarked: "did you know if I got a hit tonight I would have made $10,000? The Heinz 57 people wanted to make some kind of deal."

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The only players to have hit 4 consecutive home runs during a single game are Mike Cameron, Rocky Colavito, Carlos Delgado, Lou Gehrig, Bobby Lowe and Mike Schmidt.

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Tommy Lasorda is a not just a homophobic sonofabitch ashamed of his own son, he's also quite a business man: he appeared in TV ads for Slim Fast diet shakes and Tums antacids, briefly owned a restaurant chain bearing his name, and also bottled and sold a failed brand of spaghetti sauce through his company Lasorda Foods Inc.

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Roy Oswalt received a very interesting bonus for his work in the 2005 ALCS: a bulldozer. Before starting game 6, Astros owner Drayton McLane told Oswalt that if he earned a ìWî in the game he would reward him by buying him anything he wanted; after he won the game he Astros had to modify his contract to include a "bulldozer addendum".

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Miguel Cabrera is a practitioner of SanterÌa and became a Babalao (a high priest) in the 2006 offseason.

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As a senior in high school, A-Rod was first team prep All-American, hitting .505 with 9 home runs, 36 RBI, and 35 steals in 35 tries in 33 games, and was selected as the USA Baseball Junior Player of the Year and as Gatorade's national baseball student athlete of the year.

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Yogi Berra, Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle are the only players to win 3 MVPs as a Yankee.

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Thurman Munson made only 1 error while behind the plate in 1971 (he was knocked unconscious by a runner, dislodging the ball). He went on to win 3 straight Gold Glove Awards starting in 1973.

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When the New York Mets placed Bobby Bonilla on unconditional waivers in 2000, they agreed to pay out the remainder of his contract by deferring the remaining $5.9 million, instead giving him 25 equal payments of $1,193,248.20 each July 1 from 2011 to 2035, for a total of $29,831,205. Summary: This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

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Kaz Matsui he is the only major league player to hit a home run in his first plate appearance of his first 3 major league seasons (2004, 2005, and 2006, all with the Mets).

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Former MLB pitcher Turk Wendell was... well, a tad on the nutty side. Some examples of his eccentricity include crouching every time his catcher stood up, insisting that the umpire roll him the ball instead of throwing it, wearing a necklace made of the claws and teeth of animals he hunted, and taking giant leaps over the basepath when entering or leaving the field.

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1800's baseball legend Cap Anson, who played in a record 27 consecutive seasons, was well known to be a racist and refused to play in exhibition games versus dark-skinned players. Classy!

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On October 8, 2005, Nomaaaah Garciaparra and his uncle Victor were alerted to the screams of two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor outside his condominium. One of the women sustained injuries to her head after hitting the pier on her way in. Garciaparra quickly jumped into the harbor and saved both women, who were later taken to the hospital.

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After blowing the final game of the 2007 season and therefore eliminating the Mets from playoff contention, starting pitcher Tom Glavine said to reporters: "I'm not devastated". I think the rest of the team - and the fans - were, Tom...

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Vince Coleman had some issues in 1993. First, he swung a golf club in the clubhouse and injured Dwight Gooden's arm, and 3 months later he was charged with endangerment when he threw a lit firecracker into a crowd of baseball fans waiting for autographs in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. The explosion injured three children, and he was sentenced to 200 hours of community service and suspended by the Mets for the rest of season.

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During a Spring Training game in 2001, the Big Unit threw a pitch and beaned - and killed! - a bird that got caught in the crossfire. The Yankees Chick hates birds, so it's a-ok with me.

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On April 22nd, 2007, Yankees rookie Chase Wright - who up until this point had given up just 4 home runs to the previous 673 hitters he'd faced (in the majors and minors) - needed a mere 10 pitches to serve up 4 home runs in a row to the Red Sox. Naturally, the four hitters who bashed them had combined for only 4 homers all season before that, in 218 at-bats.
courtesy of Jayson Stark

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On back-to-back May nights in the same ballpark, the Padres and Braves unfurled a matchup of two starting pitchers with 532 combined wins (Greg Maddux versus John Smoltz) 24 hours after a matchup of pitchers with exactly one win (Justin Germano versus Anthony Lerew).
courtesy of Jayson Stark

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The 2007 Devil Rays' designated hitters combined to bat just .239 -- which was 125 points lower than their pitchers (who hit .364 in interleague play).
courtesy of Jayson Stark

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Yankees rookie Edwar Ramirez had a July 20 outing in which he threw 19 pitches -- only two of them for strikes... and one of those two was mashed for a grand slam by .179 hitter Dioner Navarro.
courtesy of Jayson Stark

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On 8/21/07, hombre tan loco Ozzie Guillen used five different pitchers -- in a span of five pitches. Ehren Wassermann got a fly-ball out. Mike Myers gave up a single on the next pitch. Ryan Bukvich allowed a single on the next pitch. Matt Thornton got a double play on the next pitch. Bobby Jenks started the next inning with pitch No. 5.
courtesy of Jayson Stark

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In June, the Brewers became the first team in history to get 22 hits in one game and then no hits the next. I don't care HOW many hits they get or don't get, that goddamn home-run slide is the coolest special feature in any ballpark around!
courtesy of Jayson Stark

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There are currently 252 MLB players that have accumulated at least 1,000 RBI in their career, with Hank Aaron leading the pack with 2,297. A-Rod is currently #47 on the list with 1,507, just 791 shy of breaking the record - and he's got at least 10 years to do it, assuming he doesn't suffer some horrible injury...

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Actor Paul Giamatti's father was the 7th MLB commissioner. One notable move he made during his tenure was agreeing to the deal that terminated the Pete Rose betting scandal by permitting Rose to voluntarily withdraw from the sport, avoiding further punishment.

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Keith Hernandez won the "Mustache Madness" contest on newsday.com in 2007. EXTREME awesome points go to Newsday for putting together a super-intense Final-Four-esque bracket for the challenge.
P.S: Man-Fur!

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On 5/4/63, Bob Shaw of the Milwaukee Braves tied the record for most balks during an inning (3), set a new Major League record for balks in a game (5), AND his team became the first ever to commit six (6) balks during a nine-inning game. Too bad no one really even knows what a balk is...

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The San Diego Padres have now finished above .500 for 4 consecutive years - a first in franchise history.

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Scott Olsen, tonight's starter for the Marlins, got into some legal trouble earlier in the year: on July 21st he was pulled over for drunk driving, and when he resisted arrest he was TASERED. Classy!

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On August 3, 2007, Melky hit a ground rule double that didn't get past 1st base. He hit a line drive up the middle that struck the leg of Royals pitcher Ryan Braun, deflected off Braun's leg at a right angle, bounced on the Yankee dugout and into the stands on the first base side. He was awarded a ground rule double, and the Yankees went on to win the game, 7-1.

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The only players to have hit 4 consecutive home runs during a single game are Mike Cameron, Rocky Colavito, Carlos Delgado, Lou Gehrig, Bobby Lowe and Mike Schmidt.

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Among his many other amazing accomplishments, Honus Wagner hit five grand slam inside-the-park home runs during his career!

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October 8, 1956 Don Larsen pitched a perfect game for the Yanks against the Dodgers in Game 5 of the World Series. It remains the only no-hitter of any type ever pitched in the post-season.

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In 1962, the brand spankin'new National League expansion team, the New York Mets, lost 120 of 160 games - a loss record that stands to this day.

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There are only 5 players that have hit 3 homers in a single post-season game: Adam Kennedy (10/13/02), George Brett (10/06/78), Reggie Jackson (10/18/77), Bob Robertson (10/3/71), and Babe Ruth - twice (10/9/26 and 10/6/26).

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Craig Biggio is the only player in the history of baseball with 3000 hits, 600 doubles, 400 stolen bases, and 250 home runs. He fell just 9 home runs short of joining the 300-300 club (300 homers and 300 stolen bases) - he would have become the 7th player to achieve that feat.

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Besides holding the honor of being beloved in San Diego despite a couple of seriously crappy seasons (if there is a more forgiving fanbase, I don't know of it), Ryan Klesko is famous for other things: He hosts "Ryan Klesko's Adventures", a show on the Outdoor Network that follows him on a variety of outdoor activities, including hunting, fishing, and surfing.

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In 2006, Ozzie Guillén and A.J. Pierzynski appeared on an episode of TNA iMPACT! Ozzie hit Simon Diamond with a chair after Diamond squared up to A.J. Pierzynski during a practice session. It was all real.
WATCH IT!!!

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According to Michael Kay, Joba Chamberlain's actual name was Justin, but his niece was unable to pronounce the name correctly, pronouncing it "Joba". He grew to prefer "Joba" and even had his name legally changed. Now... that's a cute story and all... but who in their right mind opts to go with JOBA over JUSTIN? That niece must have been pretty fucking cute.

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